Sam always told me to take good care of the kids. He knew what was coming. He knew from at least a year that one day he will be not be there to take care of us. We all knew. I didn’t hide anything from the kids either. I wanted them to be strong. I wanted them to know how cruel life is and it’s not always cupcakes and unicorns as they show it in movies.
A month after Sam left, I found his journal hidden in his closet, tucked away under his linen shirts. My first thought was to not read it. Every person’s journal is private. They write down memories or incidents, which they cannot share with others openly. It’s private. But Sam was no more and no one was there to judge me about invading his privacy. I wanted to read it. I took it out and sat on the bed where we made love endless number of times and opened the first page.
” Dear Rumi,
I know I will be long gone by the time you read this diary and I know you will feel bad about opening and reading it. But this is my personal letter to you, filled with all the love and memories we shared with each other.
I want to begin with the time we met in the cafe, do you remember that? I am going to tell you a big secret today. Do not hate me after reading this. I knew you would be coming to the cafe, I also knew that you wanted to read Shantaram from a long time. Anita your college friend was also a friend of mine, she told me everything about your likes. Do not get me wrong, I was not a stalker. I just saw you one day in college and I fell in love. I fell in love with the way your lips smiled, hiding all the pain inside you. I fell in love with the way your eyes sparkled when you saw little kids playing in the park. I know it sounds crazy but I just wanted to know you more. And one day to my luck I saw you with Anita. Anita used to attend tuition’s with me. I just went for it one day and asked her about you. Initially she was angry and told me not to bother her but eventually she figured out that I was not a bad guy and my intentions were good.
Do you remember you had called Anita right before going to the cafe that day? Ya, she kind of might have told me. I asked her what does she like? She told me books and coffee. I asked her any book in particular she is reading or wants to read or loved reading? That’s when she told me about Shantaram. And that’s how you found me there in the cafe, reading the book you wanted to and drinking coffee. The whole time you were there talking to me I was just melting from inside, I thought I might faint. It was like a dream for me. You might be thinking, how can you spoil the most serendipitous meeting we had into something made up? But it was not made up, every second I was sitting there, I felt every nerve in my body pop, my palms were sweaty, my heart was pounding faster than a bullet train and all I wanted to do in that moment was to sit besides you and talk.
Maybe I would have never told you this if I was alive, but I wanted you to know this when I was gone. Because Rumi, you were the reason I was alive for so many years after we fell in love. Even though I went away fro work in between you never stopped loving me. Your love was the reason which kept me alive until other forces broke me down. You will be my eternal love. I am not going to force you to go fall in love again but I know what you are capable of giving and I want you to go meet other people and find someone you can share the memories with, like the way I found you. Go find someone like you, who can give you love in return. You deserve the kind of love I got from you. You deserve someone better at loving you than me.
Always your love”
Tears rolled down my cheek and I was hurting from inside. Why did you leave me Sam? Why did you not tell me this when you were alive? I always thought of you as someone who is not as romantic as I was but you were far beyond that and I never knew. How can I find someone more loving than you when your love is more than enough for me to last a lifetime?
I wanted to read all of it but I just couldn’t get myself to. I wanted to hug Sam and kiss him tight and sleep in his arms. Instead, I stayed up the whole night and cried.